Not Okay

The last two years have been a whirlwind of - for lack of a better word - bizarre events. From broken relationships, leaving a church family I loved dearly, figuring out difficult truths about myself, and being fired in December, I’d say it’s been a time full of growth and pain. I have discovered much about myself that I could have never imagined. Although it has been a time of discovering my strengths, it has also been a time of recognizing and accepting my weaknesses and flaws.

I think the most beautiful part of this journey has been learning to acknowledge my weaknesses and truly be okay with it. Coming from the girl who used to cry at getting a B in school, this is no small feat. I have cried many times, resented myself, and at times lost all desire to move forward. If I’m being honest, I still have those days on occasion. Hell, I’m having one of those days today. I still beat myself up over mistakes made, but I’ve also learned to take those mistakes and learn from them. To not be defeated because I have a Savior who took my punishment on the cross. I no longer live under that condemnation. I am free. He’s giving me grace each day so that I may be transformed. 

I think for so long I let my human experiences dictate my view on God. I’ve previously been open about the condemnation I have experienced and my somewhat difficult experiences with the church. I don’t write about it to have people feel sorry for me nor to condemn those who have hurt me. I write about it because it is something I want to see change. No church is perfect - we know perfection is impossible. People will always hurt us. However, I am consistently seeing Christians condemning one another - and it is not okay. Politics are dividing Christians. Views on modesty and cussing. What TV shows we should and shouldn’t watch. Although those topics have their place, it should never be seen as acceptable to condemn our brothers and sisters.

I keep writing about it, but I’m realizing how little I serve. How infrequently I encourage my friends. How I often do not love well. And if I am not consistently working towards being more like Jesus, I am part of the problem and not the solution. If I am not seeking my Savior, I become complacent. I love because He first loved me. If I lose sight of this truth, I become self-centered and I do damage. So I want to serve more. Pray for people more. Be willing to sacrifice for those I love. Because at the end of my life, I want people to say that Jesus was at the center and that His love defined me. 

Right now, I don’t believe I’m there. I’m discouraged. I’m messy. I’m angry at myself. I don’t put myself out there to get attention, but because I believe in the midst of all the picture perfect moments that we see each day, there also needs to be some hard truth posted. It’s what I feel comfortable with. So today, I’m not okay. I’m hurting. I’m in need of Jesus. I’m not completely trusting Him, but I am praying for him to change me. 

Be still my anxious heart

Anxiety – one of my biggest downfalls. Anxiety is fear of the future. Much like depression, it arises as a result of not living in the present.  I’m a relatively happy person and was an extremely happy child. I typically find joy in the smallest of things. As a child, a trip to McDonalds was enough to make me smile all day and now one word of encouragement has me on cloud nine for days at a time. Although my anxiety does not paralyze me as it does for some, it often prevents me from enjoying my life here and now.

We live in a world full of unknowns. For me, finances are my biggest worry (as it is for many). As well as where will I be living a year from now? Who will I become? What friends will I make? When will I be able to start my master’s program? I have so many questions and so few answers. I have the knowledge that God is concerned with the details of my life. He knows the outcome and that should bring me great peace. I’m just going to be real: that doesn’t always comfort me. I feel that many use the phrase, “God knows the outcome and you just have to trust Him.” Although the thought is fine-and-dandy, it honestly has come to sound cliché to my ears. I think a more practical outlook comes from Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Sometimes I need to be reminded that I can only worry about today. What can I do about today? Humans do not gravitate towards patience. That means when I’m waiting for an answer, I have to be okay with waiting. I have to practice taking my thoughts captive. I have to practice worrying about today only. Even better, I should just practice at not worrying at all..but we all know that’s never going to happen!

Anxiety is a natural response. I believe there are times where it is an appropriate response. It’s when it begins to overtake our lives that it becomes dangerous and debilitating. So I’m working on taking my life one day at a time. I’m working on living in the moment. 

building a life

I recently realized how much I enjoy writing as a form of communication. Sometimes when I speak, the words come out all jumbled and I sound like a socially awkward 12-year old. The number of times I have walked away from a conversation cringing due to my poor communication skills is too high to count. I like that writing gives me the time to think, to re-write so that I can better express myself.

As usual, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. My life feels like it’s on hold. I feel where I’ve experienced so much sadness and loneliness these last several months that I am now in a bubble. I keep looking at life and am seeing all the beauty it holds but I’m not able to experience it. I’m scared. I’m scared of letting people in and being emotionally vulnerable. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of messing up so badly and hurting those around me. In September, I lost my church community. I take a lot of responsibility for the situation and I am aware of the pain I caused to many. During that time though, some of my dearest friends hurt me more than I could ever imagine. So I’m terrified of finding a new community. How do I walk back into a church when both of my experiences at a church were painful? How do I let people in again? How do I not deeply hurt those around me?

I’ve always wanted to live a big life. I’m an introvert so constantly being around people exhausts me, but I get a high from deep, meaningful conversations. I love learning about others and hearing their thoughts and ideas. I like being surrounded by people who dream big. I like helping others and loving them. That first step to building friendships is so scary, though. The thought of stepping foot in a church again scares me. The thought of letting new people get to know me scares me. The thought of building a new life scares me. That’s where I’m at though. Either I stay where I am and remain lonely, or I take a step forward and start building the life I desire. I’m thankful for this season of life. I’m thankful that I lost my community. It has been painful and I wish I could change how the situation ended, but it's forced me to re-evaluate who I am and who I want to be. I'm so far from where I want to be. I often feel as though I'm a mess. I'm learning. Thank you to those who have stood by me, loved me, been patient with me. Y'all know who you are :) 

Guiding each step

Some days are just hard. Sometimes what makes those days even more difficult is not being able to identify the trigger. Sometimes anxiety takes over. Sometimes it’s just sadness. I live an amazing life. I have a supportive and loving family, an amazing church family, a wonderful job, caring friends, and a Savior who died for me. I am not lacking anything. I have everything I need and want. So why are some days so hard?

I think growing up I always believed that I had to justify my emotions (still not sure where I got that thinking from). I felt as though if I were sad without having a good reason, I was simply feeling sorry for myself. I’ve had to learn that although sometimes that is true, I think it is okay to feel sad without having an explanation. Some days I don’t think we’re fully aware of all the things that build up and the spiritual warfare that is going on around us. Sometimes we can get so caught up in our picture perfect Instagram moments that we forget about other things that have had a negative effect on us. For me, it is habit to push down any negative emotions I have. I convince myself that I am fine, but eventually those emotions build up and I explode.

I’ve been in a rough season of life. I feel as though I am being pruned, and it is incredibly painful. There are good days and bad days. Some days I feel numb. Some days I cry. Some days I’m able to say I’ve had a good day filled with laughter. I’m still not completely sure why I’m in this season, but I’m learning to be okay with not understanding it. It’s okay to surrender it to God and ask Him for the grace to get through each day. It’s okay that lately I’ve been sad, because through it all, God is teaching me so very much. I don’t know what’s around the corner for me. I feel out of control. I feel lost. But I am thankful that I can give it to God and trust that He is going to bring something beautiful out of it. I don’t need to sit around feeling sorry for myself. Because I have a Savior who will guide me each step of the way.

Security in Christ

I’m not as confident as I’d like to be. I’m a lot more confident than I was at the vulnerable and awkward age of 18, but am still very aware of how unsure of myself I am. I turned 21 a month ago and everyone kept commenting how young I still am, but then would make the statement that I’m now really an adult. All I could think was that I still feel like I’m in high school and not worthy of being treated like an adult. Don’t get me wrong; there are some areas of my life that I am confident about. But my insecurities sometimes eat at me for days.

This past year brought a lot of change. My family and I found a new church. I was out of school for a semester. I started working full-time. I then decided to go back to school this fall and also switched my major. I had to learn to set boundaries with people. All things that were outside of my comfort zone. But the hardest thing of all was learning that I don’t think I’m worth the work in a relationship.

I’ve never had a boyfriend, but in the past there have been a few guys of interest. Things go well for a little while, we get along pretty well, and then, boom, it all goes downhill. I usually find out a few months later that they are in a relationship and it has left me feeling unworthy and as though something is wrong with me simply because they didn’t choose me in the end.

This year my dad decided to take me through two books: one on relationships and one on men. I was resistant at first. I felt as though I had already made up my mind about how a relationship should go and was confident that I knew what I wanted in a guy. My dad was patient and guided me through both of these books graciously.

As the weeks went by, my thinking slowly started to change. I was seeing things differently and realized I had a lot to learn. There were moments of laughter when discussing these books, but also several times of tears. As we got deeper into our conversations, my dad recognized that I did not think I was worth the work in a relationship. As soon as he asked about it, the tears fell. I explained my hurt and why I did not think I was worth it. My dad seemed baffled, but gently challenged me. He asked why I would not think I’m worth the work when Christ thought I was. I told him it was different. Christ also thought everyone else was worth it. He then challenged me again that God would have done no differently even if I was the only person on this earth. What a beautiful statement! (Can I just mention how grateful I am for a dad that has been so compassionate and patient with me?! He’s truly an example of Christ’s love.)

Here we are a few months later and I’m still not at that place of security. I still struggle with seeing why I am worth it. But I’m slowly getting there. I’m learning that Christ has to be my security, and I need to rest in the fact that He died for me and He loves me more than I can imagine. I don’t need to let other people’s opinions of me control me. There is always going to be someone who doesn’t like me or who doesn’t think I’m worth it, but that does not define who I am. 

So whether you are 21 and single feeling as though you’re not worth the work, or just someone who struggles with their identity, you need to remind yourself every single day that Jesus thinks you are worth it. He died for you and desires for you to have peace and joy. Take comfort in the fact that He is your security. He doesn’t change. He believes you’re worth the work, and He delights in you.