building a life

I recently realized how much I enjoy writing as a form of communication. Sometimes when I speak, the words come out all jumbled and I sound like a socially awkward 12-year old. The number of times I have walked away from a conversation cringing due to my poor communication skills is too high to count. I like that writing gives me the time to think, to re-write so that I can better express myself.

As usual, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. My life feels like it’s on hold. I feel where I’ve experienced so much sadness and loneliness these last several months that I am now in a bubble. I keep looking at life and am seeing all the beauty it holds but I’m not able to experience it. I’m scared. I’m scared of letting people in and being emotionally vulnerable. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of messing up so badly and hurting those around me. In September, I lost my church community. I take a lot of responsibility for the situation and I am aware of the pain I caused to many. During that time though, some of my dearest friends hurt me more than I could ever imagine. So I’m terrified of finding a new community. How do I walk back into a church when both of my experiences at a church were painful? How do I let people in again? How do I not deeply hurt those around me?

I’ve always wanted to live a big life. I’m an introvert so constantly being around people exhausts me, but I get a high from deep, meaningful conversations. I love learning about others and hearing their thoughts and ideas. I like being surrounded by people who dream big. I like helping others and loving them. That first step to building friendships is so scary, though. The thought of stepping foot in a church again scares me. The thought of letting new people get to know me scares me. The thought of building a new life scares me. That’s where I’m at though. Either I stay where I am and remain lonely, or I take a step forward and start building the life I desire. I’m thankful for this season of life. I’m thankful that I lost my community. It has been painful and I wish I could change how the situation ended, but it's forced me to re-evaluate who I am and who I want to be. I'm so far from where I want to be. I often feel as though I'm a mess. I'm learning. Thank you to those who have stood by me, loved me, been patient with me. Y'all know who you are :)