Not Okay

The last two years have been a whirlwind of - for lack of a better word - bizarre events. From broken relationships, leaving a church family I loved dearly, figuring out difficult truths about myself, and being fired in December, I’d say it’s been a time full of growth and pain. I have discovered much about myself that I could have never imagined. Although it has been a time of discovering my strengths, it has also been a time of recognizing and accepting my weaknesses and flaws.

I think the most beautiful part of this journey has been learning to acknowledge my weaknesses and truly be okay with it. Coming from the girl who used to cry at getting a B in school, this is no small feat. I have cried many times, resented myself, and at times lost all desire to move forward. If I’m being honest, I still have those days on occasion. Hell, I’m having one of those days today. I still beat myself up over mistakes made, but I’ve also learned to take those mistakes and learn from them. To not be defeated because I have a Savior who took my punishment on the cross. I no longer live under that condemnation. I am free. He’s giving me grace each day so that I may be transformed. 

I think for so long I let my human experiences dictate my view on God. I’ve previously been open about the condemnation I have experienced and my somewhat difficult experiences with the church. I don’t write about it to have people feel sorry for me nor to condemn those who have hurt me. I write about it because it is something I want to see change. No church is perfect - we know perfection is impossible. People will always hurt us. However, I am consistently seeing Christians condemning one another - and it is not okay. Politics are dividing Christians. Views on modesty and cussing. What TV shows we should and shouldn’t watch. Although those topics have their place, it should never be seen as acceptable to condemn our brothers and sisters.

I keep writing about it, but I’m realizing how little I serve. How infrequently I encourage my friends. How I often do not love well. And if I am not consistently working towards being more like Jesus, I am part of the problem and not the solution. If I am not seeking my Savior, I become complacent. I love because He first loved me. If I lose sight of this truth, I become self-centered and I do damage. So I want to serve more. Pray for people more. Be willing to sacrifice for those I love. Because at the end of my life, I want people to say that Jesus was at the center and that His love defined me. 

Right now, I don’t believe I’m there. I’m discouraged. I’m messy. I’m angry at myself. I don’t put myself out there to get attention, but because I believe in the midst of all the picture perfect moments that we see each day, there also needs to be some hard truth posted. It’s what I feel comfortable with. So today, I’m not okay. I’m hurting. I’m in need of Jesus. I’m not completely trusting Him, but I am praying for him to change me.